A piece of flash that I read at this past Monday's Creative Writing group meeting. The other writers were impressed. "How did you write so convincingly about an ugly person considering how darn good lookin' you are?" they asked.
I guess some mysteries aren't meant to be solved ;)
Ugly
My name is Eddy. I am ugly and in trouble.
The ugly part first.
I am downright butt-ugly.
How ugly, you ask? Mix phlegm with pus, then crunch up cockroaches and sprinkle them on top. Pour the mixture in a glass. Chug it. My normal face is uglier than the gagging contortion of yours.
Now, for most ugly people, ugliness is beatable. You make up for it with other redeeming qualities. But as far as I can tell, I don't have the other redeeming qualities other ugly people have. I'm not a good conversationalist. I'm not an athlete. I'm not rich, have never been rich, and will never be rich.
I guess I'm pretty good at driving a forklift.
But overall, I'm bad at being ugly.
Still, I am married. And not just to any woman, but to every beautiful woman in the universe.
Stop snickering. This isn't a joke. I'm here to tell you and all you other fine-looking listeners how I did it.
And that's the trouble part.
My wife is called Princess H0t22. That's her screen name. A screen name, for all you traditional lovers out there, is an online alias.
She's hot. Like I can't believe I haven't fried the motherboard kind of hot. No, the pictures she posts might not really be her. Every day her avatar displays a different skimpy swimsuit model. But I love her no matter what. Unconditional love: isn't that what marriage is about? I've never shown my wife my real face, and I'm sure she wouldn't do me the disservice of showing me hers. I prefer her being every beautiful woman ever.
My screen name is Dr.Dude. Unlike Eddy, Dr.Dude is not ugly. Dr.Dude is irresistible. In fact, Dr.Dude is so irresistible that meeting, marrying, and mating online is not good enough for Princess H0t22.
Because yesterday, she sent me this message: Dear hubby, I want to see you face to face or this marriage is over.
Take a deep breath before I say this.
Got it?
Alright, here goes: my wife and I have never met. Not to say I don't like her. I love her. I loved her enough to marry her. Typing "I do" in the chatroom was the happiest moment of my life. I'd boogied so much in the virtual reception room that my mouse broke. My fingers were sore for days.
I love her so much that I don't want to destroy our six months of bliss by meeting her.
But here I am, outside her
Maybe I am good at being ugly.
I walk up to the door of the one I love but have never touched, the one I've married but have never met.
My finger hovers over the bell. I squeeze my eyes. I push it.
The door opens.
"Princess H0t22?" I say.
"Dr.Dude," she growls. "You brought flowers."
I peek through the rose petals.
No, she's not the skimpy bikini models. Not even close. In fact, she's so ugly she's beautiful.
Even if she is not a she.
No comments:
Post a Comment